Written by Lanette Zavala, Author of Marriage Vows Under Fire Inspirational Love Story Series
Just like a husband, a wife has a need to actually experience the love professed to her. In most cases, demonstration of this love reaches her heart more effectively when it’s presented tenderly, verbally, and creatively over a far longer period of time than those moments during which sexual contact can occur. Her need for value can be shown in your affection, your sacrifice, and expressed interest in her intellect.
Over a period of time, usually after the honeymoon, marital problems can present themselves in various ways. Problems occur when needs aren’t met. But crises occur when these problems linger for too long or begin to form into more severe problems such as betrayal, abuse, and neglect. Genuine reconciliation can be just as challenging to grasp when a wife is hurting as it can be when a husband is shut down. But where the Lord made reconciliation a must in marriage, He made it possible in His Word.
Marriage Vows Under Fire was written from a woman’s perspective concerning a number of issues that preoccupy our hearts. The characters face in-law problems of co-dependency, infidelity, mental illness, co-habitation, domestic violence, and other issues that so many wives and single women agonize over. While the ebooks are love stories, they are also bold series of fiction reflecting our realities. Of course, life is not fictional. To deal with our problems in relationships and to minister to a hurting wife, Biblical solutions are needed:
1 – If you realize you’ve done something that has hurt your wife – whether you betrayed her trust or shut her down with a form of dominance – don’t just apologize. Express genuine sorrow. To apologize is to remove the burden of your offense from your plate in order that you can move on. But to express sorrow is to remove the burden of your offense from your spouse’s plate in order that she can move forward.
2 – On the same note of the above point, reconciliation from a problem involves more than the hurting person’s forgiveness. Have you ever heard someone make this statement? “I have already told So & So that I’m sorry. If he/she can’t forgive me, then that’s his/her problem.” This arrogant statement (or unspoken attitude) violates a passage in God’s Word.
In Matthew 5:23-24, Jesus tells us, “Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.” (New King James Version of the Holy Bible)
Forgiveness is a dominant message when reconciliation is discussed. But there is a missing part within many of such messages on forgiveness. Biblically, reconciliation is approached from two, not one, angles that Jesus presents. Many times when we’ve offended somebody, we fail to understand the depth of our part in reconciliation because of pride we harbor and sometimes even arrogance. If one spouse harbors an unforgiving attitude while the other harbors an attitude of stubborn entitlement to forgiveness (with no intention of reaching out to ensure security within the hurting loved one’s heart), which spouse is doing the will of God? Neither.
If you see your wife battling unforgiveness, which is a sin, Galatians 6:1-2 says, “Brethren, if a man is overtaken in any trespass, you who are spiritual restore such a one in a spirit of gentleness, considering yourself lest you also be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.” (New King James) Help her forgive you. Don’t stick your chest out patting yourself on the back for a few moments of your effort. Even if your few moments of effort trying to reach out to her equate to a few years, what is that time compared to eternity?
Ask yourself, “What is my goal as I try to reconcile with my wife?” To get results little by little until there’s a renewal within your relationship? Or to satisfy some time limit that will sound valid enough to make you feel like you at least did try before walking away? Through reconciliation, a higher level of patience is likely required of both spouses, especially from the primary offender, which frequently exists in every troubled marriage.
Is your wife sinning if she doesn’t forgive you? Yes. But persevere. Help her out of the sin with some tenderness and demonstrations of loyalty if that’s the necessary distance to go in order to reach her. Show enduring love and don’t require from her unconditional love if yours is fragmented by stubborn entitlement.
3 – Marriage involves traveling this life’s journey together. If you and your spouse are running a partnership marathon together, and your spouse trips and falls for any number of reasons, why would you keep heading toward the finish line by leaving your spouse on the ground to agonize in that injury alone? Do you know how many onlookers would be willing to tell you, in all honesty, how much of a nincompoop you’d be for that? Not many, if at all. (People don’t like additional problems and therefore shun correcting somebody in areas where it might really matter to somebody else.) Don’t sprint toward a finish line that can only be crossed by a husband-wife team. Lift up your injured wife and let her rest her weight on you.
Well, marriage is more than a mere marathon. And injuries do occur. Those injuries can be imposed by any number of offenses. But, with God’s Word, what are you willing to do to Biblically restore security within your wife? Especially if you had something to do with her inner wounds?
In Marriage Vows Under Fire love story series, there are characters who represent a number of couples today sitting with their lips stuck out – not to kiss but to pout. Anger has set in, betrayal has resulted in resentment, and wounds have become scars. With so many reasons to forgive and to pursue loved ones for that forgiveness, the women of Marriage Vows Under Fire resemble many of us – wives and singles.
Marriage Vows Under Fire Series 2: Tender Rivalry is the second installment in this series.
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